I really like that this blog has no main theme so there is freedom to write whatever suits on whichever day. Today its the ‘no self’ or non-self or ego-less-ness of self that’s knocking around in my noggin. People misunderstand this concept and for good reason; it’s not an easy one to consider much less accept. People are very attached to the idea of self and it’s dramas.
I tried to speak about this just a wee bit with my oldest daughter who is suffering mental anguish over an injury to her hand… what I tried to convey was distinguishing the mind-body-spirit. At the mention of non-self her eyes glazed over and I totally lost her. She seemed to grasp it a bit when I said that ‘the hand has a problem but you don’t have a problem’ and she let go a little bit then, but anyway… I was trying to lead up to the fact that when we try to look for our self… well, once we can let go of the idea that we are our body, then we think we are our thoughts.
And when we try to look and to see from where the thoughts arise, from where they originate to start with and where they go when we’re done with them, we cannot find the beginning or the end.
But even more to the point, when we try (in earnest and in meditation) to find the self or the one who is doing the thinking, we find nothing is there— well, nothing but a never-ending and continually changing stream of thoughts and feelings. But we find no solid self. (You are not your body.) And even if you look to your body to try to find your self, you will (at its basic core energy) find a lot of body parts and then empty space and protons, neurons and still no solid self.
This is the realization of non-self. And this is Buddhism.
And then, after that, we realize we are everywhere — or nowhere — now/here — now here sort of like that drawing above.
May we all release our dramas and suffering and the causes of those and come to the contented peace of true liberation!
Word from the Heart Sutra which holds my life together.
Here I go again–using this blog to sort out my personal life. Therapy for an “off” day here and there I suppose. Maybe that’s it. Write it out and it is released. Not energized further. No. Released, that’s all–sorted out and seen for the silliness that it is, the illusion that it is. Maybe this post could be called something like ‘The Life of a Psychic’ or some such.
BLOG INTENTION, ASPIRATION: Yeah, but in the spirit of Tonglen, knowing others out there feel this way from time to time or there are those who know this feeling right now just as I do. Hello to you and may this feeling for us all and package it up and see us all being free of it, having compassion for you and for all those who feel a bit disoriented or perhaps are also in the midst of a move… whatever it is you are experiencing may we know that we are not alone… there are always many others who also go through this and may we all be relieved of this suffering or uncomfortable feelings such as they are… and may we all come to contentment and peace and may I be part of that process through my love and compassion for us all as we move through uncertain times. May this blog in some way be helpful to you.
Here it is, this feeling I’m sorting out or trying to heal. And the internal feeling comes from attachment to STUFF, yeah, form appearances–things. Actual material things. I told you this is silliness being sorted out here! I already feel better really looking at this using some logic and intellect to soothe the …. well, the what?
Beyond what words can show, it is. How about a picture to describe it? A bit like the scarecrow from the story ‘The Wizard of OZ’. That scene where parts of him were over here and over there and some he didn’t know where!
No, I’m not falling apart but rather I am realizing this whole Buddhist thing about the non-self and yeah, attachment too. How can part of me be in a storage unit (we took a lot of boxes and things, forms) and loaded them in the vehicles and unloaded them into a storage unit. As I tried to fall asleep last night I kept flashing on the dark rainy rows of storage structures and the number on my own with the lock and my things inside. Yeah, it felt like parts of me were there, haunting my ‘things’ in some way.
Another part of me was hanging around my sister’s apartment, haven spend some hours at her place over the weekend helping her clean and pack. Yet still, another aspect of consciousness was hanging around the new apartment that we’re going to that is getting updated appliances, new carpet, paint and so forth–do I really belong there? Where is my place when I also see flashes of the last few things leaving this apartment unit. I’m all over the place! Like I said, silliness in the life of a psychic.
I’m feeling a wee little bit like crying (its mild), but have no real down-home authentic reason but for the fact that I’m feeling homeless and even without a self, more like a floating spirit neither here, nor there, everywhere and nowhere. And the Buddhist teachings speak of emptiness in view of it holding form and formlessness such that everything is actually non-real as if it were a Moon’s reflection in the water.
I think again of that song of enlightenment, “All these form, appearance emptiness; like a rainbow with a shining glow…”
And one of the other lines is “Just let go, and go where no-mind goes.”
I guess I’m having to do that a bit as I feel pulled in many directions like taffy. Pulled, stretched, thinning out…. and definitely no place to ground. The lessons of impermanence and non-self and forms being emptiness by appearing just the same… these are all being re-enforced within me.
At the same time, it feels like my solar plexus is torn a bit. Here I am looking at an application, another one, for an apartment that I applied for on April 2nd and last week I found out my application was nowhere to be found. I now have to fill out a new one!
Meanwhile, I am trying to visualize how I will fit all my necessary “stuff” into the master bedroom of the apartment that I’m sharing with my sister and her daughter, a teenager! I feel grateful to have a place to go.
GRATITUDE: I CAN DO this, of course I can and am so grateful to have some shelter so that I’m free to go without having to break a lease just as soon as I get a call from one of the many places upon which my name is on the list.
And so the story goes. Maybe I feel a bit better for writing it out? My tummy is still topsey-turvey but I’m telling myself to enjoy the experience such that it is. I’d better get that application filled out (another form—“all these forms”— and anyway get it resubmitted. Forms are only emptiness.
The Illusion of Emotion Hold Your Horses and Don’t Get Pulled In
On the subject matter of non-self, consciousness, awareness, spiritual awakenings and psychic energy, I recently posted this Nisargadatta quote on Facebook:
“On what we think as REAL taking your idea of yourself for example: “You cling to personality, but you are conscious of being a person only when you are in trouble; when you’re not in trouble you do not think of yourself.”
And I did so because I came to this quote rather magically (I believe in magic@!) after having an experience that relates to the quote itself.
Someone asked, “But how do we overcome thinking about ourselves when not in trouble?”
Logical question; good question I suppose. Surely, I don’t have all the answers but perhaps my humble speculation will be of some use to someone, other than my self. Let me share my experience and that may be self-explanatory.
The other day I was in a place of no-fear, no- desire, non-attachment and for the most part this is what we may call a contented happiness state. I say it that way because extreme happiness – or the kind of cartwheels in the street and jumping up and down type of glee is really the result of some type of attachment. But life itself, the marriage of consciousness to life is contented happiness. A state of (for the most part) non-self, just merged with the harmony of life, flowing in harmony with what is and this type of non-self. No strong desire, no craving, no yearning, no fear, no anger, no frustration—like that. Those are states that attach us to self—thinking of our self. We may say, as the Buddhists do, that these are states of self-cherishing.
I was in such a state of flow with life; neither here nor there; doing what comes natural; no strong push or desire—and just letting the mind become blank periodically. And then—DRAMA WALKS IN THE DOOR!
So here comes this energy around me and it feels like it sucks you into your body. In fact we have expressions like this—“I got sucked into that” or we say “I got pulled into it”. That’s how it felt quite dramatically and literally. My ‘self’ wanted to become engaged with the energy and I felt my consciousness being pulled back into ‘self’ when moments earlier I was in a state (more rather than less) of non-self: no fear, no desire, no attachment—only flow. Now the flow was being yanked and tugged by my ‘sense of self’–mostly self-identity.
You know how it goes when one begins to feel insulted, right? That feeling comes up in us and we say things like, “Do they know who they are talking to?!” It’s ME, the all-important ‘me’!! Yeah, personality was starting to think about how it was receiving an insult.
I’ve heard it said, “A spark of truth can burn up a mountain of lies.” The truth that I could return to being an atom of existence or let myself be pulled in was before me—a choice.
When I remembered this—when I remembered that the energy which the personality was being tempted to wrestle with, the energy that was starting to be sucked in by the personality began to dissolved once I remembered the nature of reality being illusion.
Oh yeah, trust me—I know. Been there and done that so many times I’m an expert at making illusion really real! It’s all a play of cosmic matter.
When we become identified personally with any energy we become a slave to it.
When, on the other hand we remember what I heard my higher mind saying at that moment that I began to become sucked in which was IT’S NOT REAL, the “self” subsides and mind merges back into the previous state of no fear, no desire, no attachments, no anger, no craving and so on—everything decreases and wanes and subsides into silence.
Then we stand apart from the illusion having not been sucked in and we become master of the energy instead of the other way around.
Footnote: I am grateful for the experience from the Drama Queen because I don’t think I’ve experienced the energy quite so clearly and witnessed the two opposite states so dramatically and felt the pull in such a profound way!