Blowing Your Spiritual Cover and Personal Integrity September 5, 2013 Daily Divination

10 of PentaclesAwareness—it’s awesome realizations; yet, because we are aware and realize something about ourselves doesn’t mean we have reached full enlightenment—it means we are aware of the path.  And excuse me if you are already fully enlightened but most of us go day-by-day doing the best we can, often reacting to life before, knowing we’re reacting.  But that’s okay or at least Pema Chodron says so.

Her recommendation is to say, “May this person who is driving me crazy enjoy happiness and be free of suffering” even though at the time what we are experiencing is genuine anger.  It always makes me feel sheepish when I remind myself that it is self-cherishing that is the root of my problem—that usually puts the fires of anger and frustration out easily.  And then I want to kick myself for reacting to a strong aversion in the first place.

We have our limits as humans it seems.  We can open to some people, but we remain closed to others—the ones who irritate us.

Awareness is seeing this clearly and realizing firsthand that as humans we are, as Pema says, “…a paradoxical bundle of rich potential that consists of both neurosis and wisdom.”

The thing is that we must acknowledge where we are and what we feel—it is so inauthentic and psychologically damaging (in my humble opinion) to pretend to feel anything that we don’t.

I can seem to feel more love, empathy and compassion for my daughter’s cats than I can for my downstairs neighbors!  I tried to muster up those feelings that I have for those animals and then transfer that same feeling to my irritating neighbors—no can do!  I just can’t seem to put these irritating people in the same place in my heart as the beautiful animals that I so love—I had to toss them right out.  I will keep trying and will let you know how it goes.

I am closed off there and need to keep working at it to open up and resolve my aversions—that’s what awareness can mean.  Oh, yeah, I try to tell myself that they are just like me and like the Dalai Lama says, we are all seeking happiness.  It’s just that their version of happiness and mine are apparently in dire contrast and opposition; perhaps it’s cultural but then again “when in Rome” as the saying goes.

I realize this is more aversion to humans and the epitome of resistance to them but I was thinking that I’ve got to start incorporating flip turns into my swimming routine.  Talk about human in your face!  When I got to the pool yesterday all the lanes were free, but for one.  I selected the last lane and started my swim.  About 20 minutes into my swim as I reached the wall to initiate my turn, there it was!

A man’s face in front of my own, asking to swim in my lane with me; all of the other lanes were filled with men and maybe he felt it was easier to ask a woman—who knows his motives? And who cares? But I felt immediate aversion to having to share my lane—why me?  He didn’t swim long but I realize that I have a lot of work to do in that area also; it’s just that (watch me try to justify my aversion now) when I swim it is like a meditation and one really would rather not be interrupted.  But that’s life—it’s what happens to us while we’re doing our own thing; human interference.  I’ve got to learn to be better at sharing my sacred spaces with other humans I guess…. Well, obviously.  I don’t like feeling irritated and would rather be happy and peaceful—that requires getting over my ego and self-cherishing!

I think to write about it and how these humans get under my skin so-to-speak is blowing my cover!  I’m human too and we all have an ego with aversions and attractions—when I lived in the mountains alone I could, for the most part, pretend that I wasn’t one of them!  Ha ha.

Well, humor is a gift from the Angels that helps us cope here.

Today, I will ask the Angels of Laughter to hang 10 with me through the ocean of life… or at least through my apartment living and my lap swimming at the pool.  I hit my toe on the side of the metal filing cabinet this morning as I made my way to my desk with my first cup of coffee while at the same time feeling resentful for being awakened by neighbor’s voices!

It’s a beautiful sunny day and we started out in the high 60’s, low 70’s this morning.  I made good progress on the project I’m creating for my daughter’s wedding gift and still wish that I could be half as artistic as my middle daughter (not the one getting married).  My middle child draws beautifully freehand and oh how I admire her ability to do that!

I just opened a desk drawer and the fragrance of Nag Champa incense cones (that I forgot I had) greeted me (I love Nag Champa) and may today be filled with such continued pleasant surprised for everyone!

DAILY DIVINATION SEPTEMBER 5, 2013 – TEN OF PENTACLES TAROT CARD

This card makes me think of the 11th House in Astrology, relating to the community.  I think of it too as “growing roots” in the community and creating a stable and comfortable environment. The 10 of Pentacles deals with the domestic life and living life upon the earth and represents “the good life”.  The deep connection to The Universe exists within the ordinary life—through this card I am reminded that the troubles and miseries that occupy many human minds (my own included) are only a play and the community plays a role for us in presenting that which we must free ourselves.

As I finished that last sentence a hummingbird was flying a holding pattern within a few feet of my laptop just on the other side of the glass door, looking at me directly.  Reminds me to be joyful and to find the nectar of life and drink heartily from that fountain.  Hummingbirds are symbolic for accomplishing that which seems impossible.

May you always feel encouraged!

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Taming the Mind and Being Authentic on the Spiritual Path

Taming an unruly mind in meditation can be like taming a wild horse

Okay, I’ll admit it—faking the small talk enjoyment with strangers I can’t seem to do very well at anymore. “I am what I am and that’s all that I am” as Popeye the sailor man cartoon guy says. In my own defense it was a full Moon opposing my natal Moon and I fretted over the appetizer and what to wear to the affair that by the time I got there I was already wore out and didn’t have much energy to pretend what I didn’t feel–exhausted; can I pretend I’m full of energy. I’m not use to being inauthentic. I gave it all the cover I could; my sister said I did fine, so I’ll go with that. I guess I just don’t care to pretend anymore and didn’t realize it until I was underwater in humans.

It was all very lovely for her (my daughter) and she’s the one who matters in this instance after all; the engagement party was for her. I did my best; something that I always assure myself that I do and I hope isn’t just me being delusional. It’s just hard to keep the center in the midst of people’s energy bouncing off the walls especially when one’ is tired. There’s something about my spiritual path these days that doesn’t allow me be inauthentic and that’s a problem in some situations. Now I see it is even more important than ever to keep rested and to have enough time to devote to a formal sitting meditation—it’s imperative now whereas at the top of the mountain it wasn’t as necessary for me.

These connections with family dramas stimulate the mental amphitheater of my mind that has been quiet – and in observing these thoughts, I see how I can allow pretty self-critical thinking. I also realize that there is some sort of guilt that is beneath it all; and it’s vague and general… nearly like that whole original sin catholic guilt garbage. Yeah, insane neurosis and in between it’s there… calm and peace. It’s there but I need to formally take it to the cushion these days to find it again and re-activate it.

I said to my family that having moved here is causing me to dig deeper into the Buddhist teachings and to work with applying meditation practice on levels that I hadn’t before and my sister laughed, winked and in her funny sarcastic tone replied, “Glad to help!”

Anyway, I think that being very authentic as a human was the par for the course until I hit family turf again and until I became surrounded by traffic and humans galore. And now that insane thoughts or what the Buddhist would call “self-consciousness” and what westerners would call “ego” has…. Well, it is like the sleeping dragon has awakened! And that’s probably truer than not since the South Node of the Moon in Astrology is called Dragon’s tail and the North Node referred to Dragon’s head! And like I’ve pointed out in other posts, in my case my transiting nodes moving closer to merging with my natal nodes—North Node on the South and South Node on the North. “Back to the Future”—and so who knows, we have old thoughts from past lives or even from the past of this lifetime being kicked up.

My daughter is about to get married and I’m doing our life review here and it’s all just insane and neurotic thought which dissipates when I see it and label it and then peace filters back in so I can be my true self again. It was living in that true self for so long up on the mountain that sort of dis-allowed me to pretend too much at the party; it was hard is all I can say. But there we go—yet another insane thought just got blogged. LOL

It’s time for me to take it all to the cushion again. I don’t want to think anymore, I just want to breathe and be who I am…. Something wasn’t at the party but I survived even if I didn’t ‘perform’ all that well and couldn’t pull off having the ‘time of my life’ when I wasn’t. LOL. It was one of those affairs where you stand for hours and talk while everyone else talking around you—quite different from 15 years of solitude in the mountains. And now, to the meditation cushion to tame the unruly mind—on some days lately, it seems like saddling a wild horse! I must love that horse and approach it gently and with compassion.

PS– I enjoyed talking to the little kids and interacting with their family dog the most.  I’m not a social moron really, just having trouble pretending anymore. I’m still working it out in meditation time; it’ll be alright