Peaceful Reflection in Post Aversion and more on karmic tendencies

Not all apartments here are created equal, nor are all karmic imprints the same!
Not all apartments here are created equal, nor are all karmic imprints the same!

This post is me being bare-to-the-bones honest.  Sharing what I’m learning on this journey.  You may remember the posts since last year have reflected my struggle with… well,  straight to the point shall we?

Not all apartments are created equally, nor do all humans carry the same karmic imprints and tendencies in consciousness.

My inner question over many months involved knowing on deep levels that every irritating sound (or even smell; well, maybe especially smell) was illusion and my response of intense aversion to it was of course of my own making.

The sounds is ‘me’ and the smells are ‘me’ but at the same time in conventional reality obviously coming from the source of the downstairs neighbors.  For months on end, I realized this and argue with self, “…but it is so real (the loud voices the curry/garlic stink),… so real for something that is an illusion!

How could this be me when everything that remains of me that is still sane indicates the opposite?  

I knew the truth of it but the aversion was so strong that the reality of it increased in proportion and the whole thing kept feeding itself.  By the way, since moving I’ve learned that the apartment building itself where this experienced hell-realm is located is cheap construction and the townhouse I’m in now has very good soundproofing. Our neighbor to the right (this is a 2-level townhouse) consists of 3 people and a dog and we never hear a word, nor do the 3 of us living in this townhouse even hear one another’s TV or words from room-to-room or from upper-to-lower level.  So life is much more pleasant as far as that goes.   Not all apartments and townhouses in this complex are equal.

The other apartment  situation may have been karmic but it provided me the stimulus to ask more deeply about the nature of reality and the nature of mind.  I would never, ever wish to repeat it but I do see how the experience benefited my evolution.  

I knew deeply then as I always have in my core being that the external sounds, smell, appearances were empty and coming from the mind but the aversion was so strong… it was very confusing and I resisted it desperately causing myself compounded suffering.

The thing is when we look at something in meditation, we see the appearance of it in the mind.  Sounds, smells, all senses are this way.  The mind interprets everything and assigns meaning or judgment to it…  “i.e. this is pleasant, this is horrible, etc.”

And when we try to find the consciousness that see’s and interprets the energy, when we try to find the visual consciousness or the auditory consciousness or the olfactory/sense of smell consciousness that is doing the looking or receiving the smell, we cannot find it.   Mostly because it is constantly changing and in Buddhist terms it is “empty”.

Being a psychic this is known to me and seen in my work–energy is constantly changing and what we perceive is not the true nature of things, it is only our own perceptions which are deeply ingrained patterns (see last blog post)… latent karmic imprints.  

I have to admit here that there is difficulty in explaining in this written word what I know and what  am learning here now, post-aversion, in my continued  reflection and further study of  Tibetan Buddhism.  It’s complicated on one hand and so simple on the other!  All the Libra energy in me can hold the paradox but my Mercury in Scorpio feels it and has trouble with the words.

I realize even more clearly now that the sounds and smells [from my boisterous and cooking Indian downstairs neighbors and the guitar-singing neighbor who followed] were all simply energies which hit my senses that these sense consciousnesses had absolutely no opinion of those sounds or smells.

And further, and more importantly, I realize with more clarity that  it was my mind that  was giving it whatever meaning it had back then which was that of extreme aversion.

For another person with different karmic imprints, the situation would perhaps even been pleasant (although that’s hard to imagine) or at least the aversion may not have been as strong.

Why would it differ?  All those latent karmic imprints and tendencies were awakened and it seemed very difficult to have control over my intense aversions.  I am not making excuses, I’m demonstrating, hopefully, how something pleasant or unpleasant (attractions/aversions) may differ with person-to-person based on the karmic tendencies in ground consciousness [see last blog post].

Back then, I kept thinking [getting the thought]–this smell is ‘me’ and their yelling in Hindi is ‘me’ but (at the same time) how can that possibly be?    Karmic habituation of interpreting certain energy a certain way is part of the answer.

I don’t have all the answers but it’s all getting clearer now that I am in a new setting where peaceful reflection is possible.

(I share this in the hope that it may serve or be helpful in some way to another out in cyber world who may be experiencing any type of difficulty or confusion.  May we all be brought to clarity and contented happiness and freedom from all suffering and causes of suffering.) 

 

Advertisements

Wednesday September 4, 2013 Daily Divination, Divine Timing, Escape and Self-Acceptance in Meditation

Hello from Wednesday, September 4, 2013.

divine_timingA touch of fall is back in the air along with the bee-in-your-bonnet vocalizations and wall-banging sounds of my downstairs’ neighbors—yeah, they’re back.     Well, that’s life isn’t it?  I’m forced once again to stay present with what arises fighting the internal temptations to “do something” when nothing really can be done—our end of the building is constructed like a tent.  Experiencing emotional distress is something that people try to escape through drugs, alcohol and yes, even meditation.  Pema Chodron says that even long time meditation practitioners use meditation as a means of escaping difficult emotions. People even create a chronic disease to cover up their negativity.  Let’s face it—it can be difficult to stay present with whatever arises.  It’s not easy to stay with emotional distress despite the cause and be with the energy without judgment or self-punishment in order to go beneath it and find the deeper self.  It’s not easy to fully experience the intense emotions and stay with them neither acting out nor repressing them.  Well, that’s life in the big city—there’s always something as grist for the spiritual mill.

There was a brief moment late yesterday when I was walking toward my apartment.  Yet another Indian couple moved into the building in the front apartment. I could hear him inside of my car with my windows up as soon as I shut off the engine.  At first I didn’t know where the voice (s) were coming from but then I saw him lying on the floor (most Indians have no furniture), cell phone to his hear shouting into it and a female voice (although I did not see her) shouting over his.  Charming!

It was a wonderful swim yesterday and I promise that I really do have to fight myself to get out of the pool once I’m in!  And one hour and 15 minutes is a long swim but I do wish I could grow a set if gills and could remain in water—it’s so quiet under water but then there I go looking for an escape again.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how people use spirituality and meditation as an escape, but I’m also thinking about my daughter’s wedding—the time is fast approaching.  Better get going so that I can work some more on the gift project I’m making and then back to the pool for another workout.  But another thought on escape–more like reprieve actually.  When a client calls for a reading, I’m totally not here in this apartment when I’m working on those levels; even if the lawn maintenance people are outside with a mower or leaf blower,  barely hear it.  In that sense my work doing psychic readings by phone is wonderful temporary relief–more than that.  A gift!  Now that I put it in those terms, how many people think of their work that way?  I’m grateful.

Thinking of that project again… I’m learning to accept myself on yet another level; I’m not the artistic type with paint and brush and such.  One does one’s best and one hopes that it’s the thought that counts after all is said and done.

Nice breezes and around 70 degrees and sunny and as I look out,  the trees dancing in the wind seem to be calling me into the open air.  As I look around the living room /slash/ den area here I’m pleased with my recent furniture arrangement and it reminds me of the nice weekend it was with my neighbors gone.

Of all people, I came out of the place where I’m working on my daughter’s wedding gift only to find her call out to me!  Talk about energy merging!  She was having lunch right next door with one of her brides maids—“I thought that was your car mom!”

I have placed my Happy Buddha wood carving at the top of my stairs on a little table stand and as I look up coming up the stairs I see him, reminding me that this apartment should be a happy place, not a place of suffering.  This seems so much easier to accept when the neighbors are gone.  And speaking of gone, it’s time for me to go while wishing you a wonderful Wednesday September 4th—seventeen more days to the wedding.

Daily Divination September 4, 2013 ~ Angel Card drawn:  Divine Timing

This card reminds me of the blog post from the other day about making plans and about astrology and exactly that:  Divine Timing.  I love that astrology gives us more than a hint of divine timing.  For example, take my daughter’s upcoming wedding this month—her PROGRESSED NEW MOON is in her 7TH HOUSE OF RELATIONSHIPS right when she’s getting married!  yeah, new beginning in relationships is what astrology would predict and there she is getting married—after a long engagement! 🙂  “To every thing there is a season, turn, turn, turn; And a time for every purpose under heaven” — if your not too young to remember that song.   And that’s Divine Timing—apply this insight to whatever troubles you right now, and if it’s nothing–there ‘s divine timing for that too, so smile. 🙂

The Zen Master, The Cow and The Young Indian Couple Downstairs Neighbors

december 29 2012 cow ice snowThere’s something about this photo of this icy cow moved me to open blank page on my blog and type.  Things are going fine while at the same time they’re not fine at all. There’s no escape.    But that has nothing to do with the cow at present.  Further explanation needed and forthcoming–hang on. For now let me say that cows are really interesting.  If you stop to look at them, they look back and there’s like a mesmerizing hypnotic-like psychic connection.  One day many years ago when home in the mountains, there was a good deal of anxiety and worry over money and a place to live.  In order to relive this, I went for a walk in the beautiful mountains and came to a pasture where cows were grazing.  The distinct memory that lingers has to do with conversing with the cow in an imaginative and dreamlike way offering to exchange my human life of money worries with hers of a pasture life.  We looked into each others eyes for a long, long time and then suddenly a bull ran directly at her and butted her to break up our energy exchange!  That little dream was over.  Looking at this picture now, I’d say pasture life may not be all it’s cracked up to be!   Still…

Maybe its human nature to want to be in a different pasture than one’s own.  It’s like a low-level discontent that we contend with when we say everything’s fine but not fine at all.  I’d venture to say that whatever is going on with any of us is likely very much intensified right now.  The Full Moon opposing the Sun/Pluto conjunction isn’t just any ordinary Full Moon… it was more exact yesterday by orb but still, the effects linger.   The desire to go home is stronger and something intense happening with my downstairs neighbor is too.

Apartment living cannot be compared to a house in the mountains in any positive way whatsoever–at least that’s how it feels at the moment!

Human behavior this close in to my living environ is not in the least bit interesting; in fact, it can be irritating which my best effort is engaged in not allowing at the moment.  I know more about the vocal, cooking and smoking habits of my downstairs neighbors than desired!  It amazes me that two people can dialogue on and on nonstop in those ways!  Are those young folks beneath me mirroring my own inner dis-satisfaction with my move here or simply adding to what is already there.  Sometimes, we don’t know what is mine and what isn’t when we are very sensitive to energies.  There was a very interesting post on Facebook recently:

zen student overcoming anger

A Zen student said to his teacher, “ Master, I have an ungovernable temper. Help me get rid of it.”
“You have something very strange,” said the teacher.
“Show it to me.”
“Right now I cannot show it to you.”
“Why not?”
“It arises suddenly.”
“Then it cannot be your own true nature,” said the teacher, “if it were, you would be able to show it to me at any time. Why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”
Thereafter whenever the student felt his temper rising he remembered his teacher’s words and checked his anger. In time, he developed a calm and placid temperament.

This energy is not my true nature, it is not ‘me’, it is illusive; it comes and goes; it arises and dissolves back; it belongs to no one unless that one claims it as their own feeling and then inflames it further.  Maybe young Indian couples like bantering non-stop!  Perhaps this is a sport for them that is enjoyable as much as continual agitation can be.  I let it come up and pass out and do my best to send calming love and light beneath me in case they should wish to accept that; however, perhaps they are too distracted by their incessant dialogue to realize any other energy.

It all makes me miss the mountains even more and the more pasture-type of life of solitude and quiet.  Recent assurances that I am to go back home has been arriving in various forms, not the least being the non-stop mouthing young Indian neighbors.  Efforts to convince myself that one might be alternating reading aloud from a  book to the other have failed!  Ah, well I tried.

They pay rent as I do and each has a right to speak in their own apartment!  (But how can there be THAT MUCH to bicker about for that long? — i don’t get it.)  If their voices get very loud, as often happens, if I knock very lightly on the wall, then voices quiet for a while.  I think they do not realize–they’re young after all and into their dramas.  The young man smokes as many Indians seem to–they didn’t seem to get the memo about the Marlboro Man.  Whiffs of that drift up into my place as well as the spices they cook with, forcing me out of my sanctuary such as it is here.

As the Zen teacher says, Why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”  I am using the bickering young Indian downstairs neighbors as teachers as much as I’d rather not–it is what it is.  My family, too, enable me to sit with stuff that gets triggered within my self.  Suddenly now, as I’m typing this,  there comes a recollection of an employment situation that I experienced some years ago.

Back then there seemed to be great unhappiness on my part going into work each day and at that time there was a strong desire to be free of that situation although I could not see practically or financially just how that could happen.  Yet, within me there was a strong inner knowing that the more I could make peace with the situation, the sooner I’d be released from it.  That same message echoed in my heart and mind each day when lamenting my lack of enthusiasm for going to work!

After months of resistance, finally there was a surrender within to find something fun and enjoyable and pleasant in the co-workers and the total environ.  And I maintained that over a period of time very consciously and then (YOU GUESSED IT), numerous situations occurred resulting in my being able to release myself!

That memory encourages me as well as the other indicators received that I will be going home to the mountains again.   Psychic predictive work, intuition and divination come in handy on a personal level too!  (Besides, my tarot cards don’t know how to lie.)  Meanwhile, not letting things that are not mine trouble my life!  In other words, it’s all in the mind, the attitude.  It is not the circumstances that upset a man, it’s the view that he takes of them! 

I’ve got to get a new view finder!  Happiness comes from within–not the absence of family drama, lack of human voices or the absence of dampness, mold or mice–dampness, mold and mice were part of the mountain house issue.  There is no escape!  One can only surrender to the external world and change the inner attitude in order to find peace, serenity and happiness.  Let me laugh at the family dramas, the loud smelly downstairs neighbors and the traffic and rest!  It’s all illusion anyway — may as well.  Or–mice or men?  mice or men? hmmmm.... what a choice!  Neither one!

Ahhwwwhkkkkjjkkhk…. and can’t you  just hear the glee of certain people who love to see this person struggle with it all?!  But that’s just it; there ‘is’ no person here, only energy playing out just like the weather plays out!  Certain conditions create certain weather–how much of it are we personally responsible for?  Weather is.  Downstairs couples who argue are.  The Sun is also out, the roads are clear and my car runs!

Ideas arise as suddenly as anything else!  and one has just arrived which causes me to end this silly diatribe now with the hope that something written here will serve some useful purpose to another in some way.   (If nothing else, this bit of a vent is one example of how a Cancer Full Moon can express–ugh!)

There’s always tomorrow….. and hope for a brighter day!