I watched myself cry over the weekend and then the mud settled and the water became clear. In love with synchronicity, I just came across a recent Facebook post with this image and quote that sums it up:
Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself? –Lao Tzu
[credit for image and quote to Facebook’s ‘Mystic Path to Cosmic Consciousness’]
It doesn’t matter much what triggered it really; it could be the Scorpio Sun transiting right over my Scorpionic Chiron triggering the conjunction to the neighboring natal Scorpionic Mercury—all not far from the South Node. A good summary is that I took a dive into the depths and everything got muddy; things got stirred up. Family versus Career and old betrayals of trust…. am I betraying myself? A good deal of resentment woven into the tears and feelings of loss were contained in there too … loss of freedom; yeah, all that old stuff. Probably a lot of it is simply emotional debris, mud. I had to sit with it unmoving until I knew what action to take. It took a while.
I will admit crying for hours (off and on) for the same hopeful benefit that all my posts end up here—that some reader will find it helpful. It’s funny how blogs are. When you type them, it’s like you’re talking to yourself; but then you let the cyber world in (based on who stumbles upon the post when) and well… it’s strange, that’s all. But then strange is the story of my life lately.
Take right now. I have meditation music on Pandora on my TV courtesy of my Roku and it’s not loud, nor is it overly soft—enough to be heard without being offensive to the ears. Yet I am also hearing the thudding beat of what sounds like someone hammering my wall and ceiling with a soft rubber mallet. The drumbeat of some neighboring muggle’s stereo music player. Yeah, this I knew I’d face sooner or later. It’s strange because most other times I can pretend I’m here by myself—I try to forget that I live in one rather large house (like a Brownstone) with other people in it. Like I say, strange. And right now it increases my intense desire to be beamed up into the silence of space or to pack up and head back for the silence of the mountain tops.
Anyway, back to mud settling and the water becoming clear. It sometimes does take a while to for the mud to settle and while it does all that it has kicked up seems to need to be cleansed from one’s own heart with one’s own tears. To allow it is the only thing a person can do at those times—or at least for me this is how it must be.
One feels certain energy beforehand—perhaps anger, resentment, disappointment…oh, you name it. It doesn’t matter and you know it’s not… well, you don’t know the cause or the cure. So what I do is just sit and breathe, letting it be what it is—I let it show itself to me. And this requires feeling it and the tears that are part of the experience of sitting and letting the feeling be what it is. I do not hold it and thereby magnify it; I just let it be and I cry until it is cleared.
I did this. I didn’t know I’d cry. I started out feeling frustrated. I sat, and sat and breathed and did not move…. Exactly like the quote above. Then the tears flowed and the heart felt like would burst and more tears and the tears seemed out of line with the earlier frustration – they were – but something needed to be released. There was a lot of mud and I could not see clearly but I cried until it all settled. There were a number of things at the core pushing the feelings forth from their depth—some I can do nothing about. “God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Yeah, right there at that point is where I was this weekend.
I found one thing at the core that I ‘could’ maybe do something about. I’ve had a loss of freedom in certain areas of my life due to a recent geographical move and if I let it get out of control, it can become highly frustrating. A bit like my house neighbor with the muffled drum beat banging at the corners of my mind as I type. Yet, while typing I still hear the birds chirp as they visit the feeder just outside of the sliding glass door to the right of me and the meditation music to the left of me and my own fingers tapping on the keyboard. I am here now and what is, is. I find the rubber mallet type muffled drum sound unpleasant and the rest acceptable.
Ruling things out is what I had to do through my tears. Just like I cannot control the musical neighbor, I had to sort through what I could do and let the rest go. It was toward the end of the day when I realized one thing troubling me is that I’d lost my ability to be creative and expressive with my work at the drop of the hat with no time-table consideration. Now days I have a time table, a schedule—an actual written schedule! And my life schedule is dependent upon which family members have which days off and what days there is school and school activities—now the action is focused on the Xstian holiday school programs and those practice schedules! These are now all a part of my life. The spontaneity and freedom of being able to work through the night when the spark of energy became inflamed – well, those days are over. I have to be up and atem’ at 6 am, but now with the time change make that 5 am. Nice touch!
Well, that’s the part I cannot control and it goes along with me mourning my old life and trying to get used to the change—include the sound of a rubber mallet on my walls in in the list of what I’m having to get used to! Whatever, it is. It just is as it is. Grand me the serenity to accept….
I realized that one core issue is that I’ve not written or recorded a single word of my intended intuitive astrology class! And while it may be difficult to curb the flow of the creative juices since I have to kick those to the side to meet other obligations with family, I realized that there was one thing that I could do.
When the tears of frustration and resentment and betrayals began to settle as I remained unmoving as the Lao Tzu quote above advocates, I came up with an idea. This originated from the ultimatum that arose as the mud settled. I naturally reached a state of knowing that I could continue to cry or I could through my tears do something, take some action. Through the silence, tears and the hours of unwavering sitting on the meditation cushion, an idea arose.
I realized that if I created a better space for working on the course that I want to offer—that taking this action could help to compensate for the lack of creative freedom that I’d become used to over the past 15 years. No longer is my time my own and while grieving this loss, there is still motivation to help myself despite it. I got busy the next day moving my desk to another part of my living room and in the cubby corner where my desk was, I surrounded myself with my shelves of astrology books and notes.
I’d remembered something author Wayne Dyer mentioned a number of times and each time he did my energy would leap! He said that when he wrote his books that he’d sit down in the middle of an empty room and surround himself with books from other authors and then he’d use intuition to grab the right book in the right moment for the right quote from an author or the right teaching from a teacher. He said that it would all just be right there for him.
I’ve always loved being surrounded by my books—all that wisdom and knowledge being close to me… well, I could happily live in a library and that’s my idea of heaven but of course with many windows and plenty of gardens and wilderness to wander through also. But before I lose my point, let me return to telling you what I did; but let me add that sometime ago the rubber mallet stopped banging. I didn’t notice when it did exactly, but peace has been restored. Thank you!
So, my desk is now closer to the sliding glass door which I like anyway and while I cannot recreate an empty room like Wayne Dyer did (I’ve heard him say that he rents an empty condo for a period of time to write with no distractions) and while I will have the distractions and interruptions of family obligations, I can do my best to create a conducive environment that support my goals in the ways that ‘are’ possible. I can also call to the universe to help me release resentments and forgive betrayals and surrender to what is in the meanwhile.
Anyway, I placed my meditation cushions in the center of the little space and purchased some colorful rugs that remind me of Tibet for some reason. Oh, perhaps I can take a little photo or two to post here…and while it is a small space, I hope to be inspired to use my time there to create the astrology class—the astrology gods willing.
Here… c’mon in and see what the clear waters after the mud settled led me to do…here’s my little space in my one room place for creating an astrology course….
Yeah, so it’s a small space and actually not as small as it looks in the picture. I guess the point is that you can cry just so long and then it seems to me that you’ve got to get up and take whatever action the clarity that is achieved through the release of tears and the mud settling reveals. Wow, that was a long awkward sentence, but I’ll let it stand. One does have to go through the process however. And in my case, I had to demand the space and time to be able to do it. And sometimes it’s very appropriate to do that!
Just for the record, this past weekend the Moon was in Cancer, opposing Pluto—probably pretty emotional energy for anybody. Sensitive types would be affected more profoundly than others. Like I said, it is what it is – grant me the serenity to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
And then if all else fails—there’s always casting a spell which I do turn to once in a while, reminiscent of my wiccan/pagan past lifetime! I still believe in them and have worked a few with the help of the divine energies that support my intentions!
‘Nuff said for now.
I’ve got an hour fifteen before I go pick up my granddaughter from after school singing practice… here’s hoping I make good use!
And as always, I hope this post will help another along the path. I should blog more (note to self)… grant me the wisdom to change what I can, like I said. Om mani padme hum!
Just wanted to end reminding about Scorpio energy—when the Scorpio Sun hits personal planets in Scorpio, deep stuff is going to get triggered I suppose. I didn’t consider that until today (its Monday after the crybaby weekend!) and toss in a Moon opposing Pluto; yeah, that’s the way of things.
I feel much better today—taking that action (wisdom to change what I can) and the rest I’ll continue to accept what I cannot change while hoping my spell will weave a little magic!