It’s Day #5 and true to the last post, have been going at it “in a bit of a run”—fa’ sure! The wheels were set into motion big time over the past two days and with so much still to do, there’s a bit of guilt about sitting at the computer, typing. Yet, I may want to look back on this for encouragement (or maybe laughs!) later—besides, maybe someone will be helped by these posts about how I’m dealing with these ♫ cha-cha-cha-cha-a-a-anges ♫.
People have recently told me that they never thought I’d commit to this change and honestly I didn’t either; and the greater part of me denied that these changes were already taking place on subtle levels before the lid blew off, before the genie got out of the bottle and before the lid to Pandora’s Box suddenly flew open!
You know those moments when you hear your mouth saying things and watch yourself doing things while a unknown force seems to be pushing you from behind the unknown curtain? “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”, says the Wizard of Oz!
Meanwhile, the good ole’ personality me or what I’ve been calling ‘me-self’ sort of goes into a bit of shock—well, the day before yesterday it happened again. I mean it’s silly, you know? There we are standing in the middle of the change that is happening all around and then some communication comes that everything is right on track—green flag and all that.
The 3 Aces in the Tarot card spread (indicating a very strong YES) were so right on–this weekend really kick started things forward!
What is it about that anyway? It created an emotional trigger. I think it is the sudden acceleration of life changing—like you’re in a car where someone pulled away very fast at the traffic light and your stomach gets left behind while the rest of you lurches suddenly forward. Well, that’s how that moment of panic feels. Even though I had checked, double checked, triple checked and quadruple checked before the greater part of me took over and jumped through the window of opportunity that was open before me—even with all that checking, I had a moment when I thought, “Wait, are you SURE you can handle this?” And then of course at the same time I realized we had reached the point of no return—it was too late if I made a misjudgment. Oh yeah, the pulse started to race; and even though my hot-flash days are over, I had one!
What IS that? I call that kind of thing an emotional trigger response. An old wound, a sensitive spot in the psyche got hit and for a few moments I was spinning out in the ethers (at least my consciousness was).
What are we afraid of when we go into panic and fear this way? Today I am going to allow the answer to that question to surface—although I already know even as I type here. I won’t share it publically—at least not now; maybe after the 30 days I will. It may be 45 days, but surely this is not going to take 60 like I originally thought. We’ve been going at it in a bit of a run—that Harry Potter movie scene (see last blog post) turned out to be quite the predictive phrase; no wonder it jumped out at me in such a significant way when I heard it the other day.
I was a bit disappointed that I had those 2 or 3 (that’s all it was) intense moments of fear and panic the other day. Some of the reason for it (like I just said) is known to me but I just realized that another reason relates to that runaway train feeling that comes with that thought, “What if I made the wrong decision? It’s too late to turn back now!” And then comes the big fear—the trigger.
I had to calm the ‘me-self’ and as soon as I realized that I had NOT made a literal, physical mistake—whew! Deep breaths and a good laugh about it, but still I had to shake my head because the thing is, I thought we dealt with all that and put it to rest.
Aside from the 2 minute moment of panic the day before yesterday—things are moving forward rapidly and smoothly and I have my sense of humor in tact and I’m excited that I jumped through that window of opportunity! I am looking forward to a busy week with clients, students and lots of other activity–that part is always THE BEST
Best to keep a sense of humor and keep on talking to Higher Self and ♫ Just Breathe ♫.